Arrest as a route to hospitalization, 2010

I have a deadline and not enough time to do the work.

It is the day after Thanksgiving, 2010.
You have made the 180 mile trek to my house and we had a nice holiday dinner yesterday. You are still driving at this time, and seemingly baseline, even though we had the incompetence related/ scam  events in late 2009/early 2010.  Still, I have changed the locks on my doors.  You no longer have a key to my house -  I can't trust who you are interacting with, who might manipulate you, and what risks that would give me.

I don't even know what happened that day, how our conversation suddenly deteriorated. I can't remember the details this many years later as I write this story.  However, I remember that its as though you had a 2nd sense that I didn't have time to get into a hassle with you. And, you were looking for a fight.

We have been remodeling a condo for you nearby.  You have the key to the new place, your future home.  You are partly moved in there, in fact.
I don't have time to waste on a fight, especially not today.
I suggest that you should leave my house now,  go back to your own place.
But you refuse.  You continue to want to fight.
I ask you to leave, but you refuse, again and again.

Eventually, I call the police.  It isn't the first time I have called the authorities about you.  But it is the first time I have called the police in this location, my own home.

Soon they arrive, 2 officers, a man and a woman, in a squad car.
You tell them your complaint about me, the details which I can't remember anymore.  Actually, I believe the complaint was that you had supported me through college and graduate education.
You now feel I need to pay you back , 25 years after the fact.   Or, it was because you don't think that I repaid the loan on a piano I bought in 1980 (I think I did).    I know you want the money to continue your delusional interactions with the scammers.  It is hurtful to hear you harbor and express these negative feelings about me, related to events of my childhood.

I tell them that I had asked you to leave and that you refused.  You continue to refuse.
The officers are  respectful of the fact that I had asked you to go and you continue to not take it seriously.  You continue to refuse to leave.  Eventually they arrest  you.  They ask me what to do with you and I recommend theytake you to the hospital, to the hospital where I know there is psychiatry intake through the emergency room.

I sadly watch out the window.
I see my elderly father, between 2 police officers, walking to the police car. They place you inside the car, and they drive away.

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A while later the emergency room doctor calls me.  She volunteers, "my mother has dementia too".
What a comfort those words were to me, that someone understood.

They keep you a few hours, but they don't have enough to hold you.  Eventually they call me to come and get you.

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You are sitting in an exam room, in the Emergency room, unconcerned, as if you didn't just get escorted to the hospital by the police.

I help you check out, which includes a referral for outpatient psychiatry follow up.

 We drive home in silence.  As we get closer to my house, where your car is parked, I think to myself that I can't let you back in the house or the same thing is going to start up again.  Its not really over.
I don't have time for this -- I have a deadline related to work, I really need to get back to work, and I can't afford more time to fight with you over nonsense.
How am I going to prevent the same thing  from happening inside my house again?
I pull up in front of the house, and I tell you that I am going to drop you off, while I pull around to the back (the story doesn't even make sense to me today as I write this, I can't remember how I came up with a story to get you out of the car, thinking that things were normal).
I drive to the back , enter the back of the house, but I don't open  the front door, and I don't let you back in.
You have your car keys, and a new condo to stay in , only a mile away.  Its not like I am abandoning you on the street.

I can still remember how you POUNDED on the door, in a rage, once you realized I had tricked you ...... yes, it would have happened again had I let you back in.

But, eventually you go back home to your own place, and the event ends, never to recur.

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Its hard to believe today, in 2015, that such terrible things happened back then in 2010.  But it was all part of the process.

As we moved forward, as your mind got less clear, as you stepped lower in your brain functional abilities, we passed through phases.
At some point normal barriers and social restraints were lost.
Arrest is probably not an uncommon route to hospitalization for those in similar situations.  Unfortunately, the system didn't easily accommodate to hold you there, or more importantly, to fix you.  I now believe that it was impossible to fix you then.  You were normal enough to be out there freely living in the world, and you were abnormal enough to get into lots of trouble.
Luckily, today the crazy mean and violent days seem to be gone forever, as you are now too forgetful to hold grudges, and you are too frail to be a physical threat.

Too frail now to be mean

circa 10/12/11

Its over just under  2 years since  the Conservatorship started.
There are no credit cards in your name and there are multiple fraud protection alerts  to prevent credit cards being opened in your name.

I stop by your place for something or other.  In the course of our interaction I am in your office.
I notice the credit card statement on the desk.

What is this?

I have the paper in my hand.  It appears to be a Discover Card Statement.  (why wasn't I more discrete?)

You say, "Give me that paper".

I am not giving up the paper.
The situation quickly spins out of control.

I try to leave and you stand in front of the door, preventing my exit.

Yes, I could get out if I really wanted to -- I could push you aside hard, but I would never do that.
What if you fell, my 80 year old father?
I could call the police, but I am not really afraid.  I have my cell phone in my hand.

I see a space, and make a quick dash for the door.  I almost make it out, but you crush my body inside the door as you push it shut.  I yell for help, a futile effort,  into the empty hallway.   My arm and hand are bruised in the process.

I call a friend who comes within  minutes.  He has to physically hold you back so I can escape.

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Why did Discover give you a card when there was a fraud alert to prevent this?
A fraudulent charge to 5 Star Enterprises, for $221.23, another scam, to a fly by night Arizona based scam company, was made 3 days ago.  This is a purchase for NOTHING that is concrete or real, another get rich quick scam.
You can't afford this.

I end up spending months to resolve the issue, ultimately needing the help of the Attorney General of my state.

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I believe the fraudsters will assist the computer illiterate and financially incompetents to sign up for credit cards needed for illegal transactions to take place

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You are too frail now to do anything like the above vignette depicts.

However, dementia can bring out inappropriate behavior, including violence, in previously peaceful people.

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I also learned a lesson on discretion.  I don't tell you or ask you now when I find things that are off.
I just deal with them quietly.

choosing insanity in a dangerous world

This is a story about someone other than my dad, someone else I know.

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Someone I know is in big trouble, in a very dangerous situation.
We can see it coming.
We can all see it coming, and we talk about it.
We discuss it amongst ourselves, as well as with the VICTIM, the person who is in big trouble. We even talk about how we have had this happen before, in our family, and how we didn't understand the refusal for help the last time.

http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2015/02/its-breast-cancer.html

In a sane world, the choice would be made to USE the resources to PREVENT the problem we can all see coming.
But, not all of us are operating in  the same/ sane world.

The warning signs have been there for a week.
You might have this one last chance to prevent catastrophe.
You agreed to the tests that were done today and we now know exactly  what the problem is.
You even request to call me and notify me, to speak with me from the hospital (as the family health care provider)
Help has been offered.  It is the kind of help that comes with a need for urgency.  An hour from now might be too late.

I say to you "Choose Life".  "Choose Life".  "Don't leave open the possibility of disability"
It is unbelievable, to the sane,  that you would turn the help down.

You say, "I want to go home now".  "I will think about it".  "Maybe tomorrow".  "I will let YOU know tomorrow"

I say ------this isn't about me. Its about you.

The risk of that choice is very high and we try to convey it to you.  But you insist, and we have no choice but to withdraw and wait to see what happens next.

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how does one escape a bad life situation?  Is the failure to accept help actually a means to another form of escape?

subtext: you are a victim of domestic violence.  These are the unseen consequences of an unstable and unsafe home life.

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Several days later.

Catastrophe is averted with medication only.  Grace has prevailed.  For now all is well.

You came to the hospital, stayed 2 days for tests, and have now again left against medical advice.

I apologetically appeal to my colleagues to be kind to you and to continue to try to deal with delivering you appropriate health care, to not be put off by the barriers you create.

Will the connection to me be what it takes, or would it have happened anyway?

(it should happen regardless of the connections, but the world in which we live doesn't always operate that way)

It is a reminder to me as well - for tolerance and continued efforts with those who make poor choices.

The Golden Girls

There is a channel on the TV (channel 43, TVLand) that mainly  plays old re-runs, many from the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s.  Often, the same series plays consecutive shows back to back over the course of many hours in the day.  This is your favorite channel.  We always turn the channel back to 43 when we leave, if we have turned it to another channel while visiting.  Other stations, like the NEWS, are too traumatic, especially if they play all day (and you have trouble changing the channel on your own).
It is comfortable /familiar to watch the old shows, The Beverly Hillbillies, Andy Griffith, Gilligan's Island.  On Sundays Roseann is on much of the day.

The Golden Girls are on when I arrive at your place today.

"You should have seen Roseann and her husband today.  It was so funny, I laughed so hard", you tell me.

Dorothy and the girls are now sitting at their kitchen table, talking, as they do, on the Golden Girls. We turn our attention toward the TV.

"How do they do that?", you ask.  "Didn't the grandma die years ago?"  You are referring to Estelle Getty, who plays Sophia, Dorothy's mother.

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It is apparent you no longer understand that the TV show is a re-run from the distant past.

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It reminds me of last summer when you didn't seem to understand there was a schedule for the TV shows, that only certain shows were on at certain times.

breakfast at 0230 AM

I arrive at 9:30 AM.  The empty cereal bowl sits on the table near the chair.  "Did you eat breakfast already today?", I ask.
"No", you say.
"You must have.   I didn't leave that there like that last night, when I left at 7:30 PM", I say.

There is no response.

"What time did you get up today?", I ask.

"I got up earlier and then went back to bed again", you tell me.

"Maybe you had breakfast the lst time you got up", I say.

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Look back at the 24 hour camera profile.  It is apparent you went to bed around 10 PM but then got back up again at 0230 AM.  I see you eating the cereal.  You return to bed at 5 AM, and then get up the 2nd time at 0845 AM.

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More word salad

Its Saturday night.  I give you the choice of lasagna or pot pie for dinner.  You choose the pot pie.  Tonight I cook it in the special box for 6 minutes, instead of 5.  I serve it up on a plate, and sit quietly, watching you eat.

"This muffin is really good", you say.

A few minutes later you say, "This sandwich is what?"



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Its Sunday night.  Its very cold today and you have wrapped yourself in 1 blanket.  I point out that there is also a 2nd blanket that you could use, and I place on your lap.  Soon, once again, we are talking as you eat dinner.

"This magazine is warmer than the other one", you say, followed by a gasp!  "Why did I say that?"

I know what you mean. The 2nd blanket has added significant warmth.

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Late night auto-dial on the phone

This is my mistake.  I moved the phone to the right side of the chair a few days ago, thinking it would be easier to reach.  However, you have been confusing it with the TV clicker since then.

Its New Years Eve, after midnight.  Its time for bed.  You get up, turn off the TV, leave the room, and then return. It is apparent you are trying to turn the TV back on.  But, instead, you have the phone in your hand.  I can hear the tones of the different numbers as you push the buttons, randomly.  Unfortunately, because of auto-dial, you call someone:

"Who is this I am calling?", you say.

Its like the adults who speak in non - word tones on Charlie Brown's The Great Pumpkin- we hear the tone of the person on the other end, but we don't know exactly who it is, we can't hear exactly what they are saying.

"I was just playing with some shoe devices here on my table, I didn't call you intentionally....But, you know, I have 2 pair of slippers... " (and from there he goes on into a long explanation about how the slipper doesn't quite fit -- and how he used to sell slippers.  This is an old shoe store merchant talking.  He goes into great detail about the slippers....eventually volunteering to give one of the old slippers to the husband of the person he has called.  The conversation goes on about 5 minutes).

OH NO __ WHO HAS HE CALLED??? I HAVE TO STOP THIS -- GET IN THE CAR AND GET OVER THERE AND GET HIM OFF THE PHONE!!

"How did I call you on this??  ........I've got these dialing deals, I 've got 2 of them on my table here, and I just hit the one, and you answered"

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We get in the car, but  en route realize that you have turned off the lights and are in bed.
We turn around and return home.

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I play it back

I hear the person say "go to bed" and you say " Oh yeah, I am going to bed".  And, with that, after several failed attempts of dialing nobody,you hang it up, turn off the lights, and go to bed.

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Tomorrow we commit to making the old fashioned phone reach the chair.   No more fancy auto-dial-capable-wireless  phone / TV clicker look-alike devices for you.


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Notice the "word salad" - replacing the correct word with another word -  "shoe devices" and "Dialing deals" in reference to the TV clicker and the phone.
Here is a link to other examples  http://www.lbda.org/node/362

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How easy it is to mess up the equilibrium/routine of a person with dementia -- as the dementia experts all know.

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