the sweater and other clothing tales

You are wearing a red sweater over your shirt today.  Its a very plain burgandy red sweater, I would say it is unisex in appearance.

"She brought me this sweater and told me to put it on today", you tell me.  "it was a little coolish in the room this morning".

"That's a nice sweater", I say.  "you have lots of nice clothes, if you would just wear them."

(remember, this is an old retired clothing merchant we are talking to.  There was a time when the dinner table conversation was about bras and suits and who is a size 16 and who is a size 12.  Sadly, it is rare today to see you take any interest in clothing on yourself, or anyone else).

You smirk, "do you know what this sweater is?"

"No", I say.

"I got this sweater at the store down there" (you point out the window).

Ah yes, we went through a phase, soon after you move to the condo, where you regularly went shopping at the Goodwill shop down the street.  You especially liked Senior's day, which I believe was Wednesdays, when there was small extra discount for seniors.

"It was so cheap, I had to buy it.  But, I looked at the label, and did you know? Its a women's sweater".

"Oh so its a woman's sweater but you decided to wear it anyway?".

"yes" (and you are amused by this)


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"That's' a nice coat you are wearing, really cute", you notice.

I am wearing a new Betsy Johnson walking coat - in navy blue with blossom shaped rose gold buttons and beautiful pink and blue lining.

This observation and comment is noteworthy because of where we have been, and because of the significant improvement toward your old person that the statement represents.

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"We ran into to the lady down the hall today", you tell me.  "She is a former stewardess you know and she has quite a wardrobe. She was wearing an A line dress"

An A line dress.  Yes, that is the old merchant talking again.

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All attributed to improvements in your mental state, attributed to "our girl", your new PCA
http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2015/02/our-girl.html

channel 43

Channel 43 is your favorite TV channel.
http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-golden-girls.html

On the table next to your chair, there is a taped piece of paper with large letters "43", just in case you forget which station you like.

Today when I arrive, the room is quiet. The TV is not on.  You have been reading.

Now you realize that usually when I am there, Family Feud is on the TV.  We have come to enjoy watching Family Feud together.  Even I, who typically would never watch a game show, can now easily spend 10-15 minutes watching Family Feud.

"Turn the TV on  - channel 63 ", you tell me.

I am standing with the clicker, trying to get the system to obey.

I press 4 and then 3.  Up pops channel 33.

"yes, channel 33", you say.

our girl

You call her "our girl".

She is your Personal Care Assistant/ Chef/ Nurse/Physical therapist/ Friend/ housekeeper/chauffeur/ The grand-daughter you never had.
Her presence has recently turned your life around.
You are cleaner.  You are happier.  You seem more relaxed.  You are nicer.
Every day you tell me how much you like her.

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we have had this same conversation many times:

"What is her name again?", you ask me.

"Sherrey", I say.

"What?"

"Sherrey", I say again.

"Sherrey?", you ask.

"Yes, Sherrey."

"how do you spell that?"

"S- H - E- R- R- E -Y".

"Sherrey?  Why can't I remember that?", you ask.

"We could write it down so you just have to look at it to remember it", I offer.

"Help me think of something else to remember it", you say.

"Sherrey Berry", I offer. "Sherry, like the wine", I try again.

"do you know where she is from?", you ask.

I tell you where she is from.

"Ok. Yes, I was just checking if you knew."

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"We go for our walk, and it always seems to end with picking up the mail", you tell me.

"She has a thing for my mail", you muse, "but today there wasn't hardly anything".

You are lucky, I say.  All I get is mostly junk mail.

Little do you know, Sherrey is acting on my instructions to help keep you out of trouble in the building.  I have also put your name, address and phone number on every possible do not call, do not solicit list there is, and more than once.  I also do whatever I can to take revenge on the junk mail solicitors.

http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2014/09/stop-junk-mail-and-how-to-get-revenge.html

We are trying to blend in, not stir up controversy, because you want to stay here, remember???


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empathy restored?

What a surprise yesterday when you called (which included dialing the phone all by yourself) to see how I was feeling, after I had been out sick for 4 days.

You are turning into a nice old man.

To God be the Glory.

The loss of empathy had been so apparent in the last 5+ years, I didn't expect to ever see it again.  During that time, if I got sick, or if something bad happened to me, it didn't faze you. You offered no condolences, didn't follow up, didn't give back anything.

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Loss of empathy is a common early symptom of specific forms of dementia, including the kind I think you have, which also included as earlier symptoms,  poor judgment, loss of insight.

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how much of this improvement in empathy is due to the fact you are getting coffee every morning since we hired a personal care attendant? Or is it due to the stabilizing impact/ improvement in all aspects of your well-being due to having the perfect  personal care attendant, who comes for only 2 hours/day?

My conclusion would be that 2 hours/day of kind focused support, starting in the morning,  can make a huge difference in maintaining "independence", and regaining empathy (humanity),  for a person with dementia (who would otherwise require assisted living or memory care, assuming they aren't wandering at night and they have sufficient mobility to not require more care)

For those seeking a cost-effective elder care solution, I can highly recommend this as the lst step.  It takes the pressure off the family and keeps the person more "independent" of family as well. It is far less expensive than an assisted living facility or nursing home, and YOU are the boss.

there are 2 caveats:
1.   we switch the appliance electricity on and off (discretely), so that you can't use the stove/ oven or microwave, unassisted.
2.  I wouldn't have dared to hire an assistant (for fear of their safety) in the earlier years when you were more aggressively misbehaving.  This is working now only due to your frailty and further memory loss.  Take home message: timing is everything.

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To God be the Glory.

Too frail now to be mean

circa 10/12/11

Its over just under  2 years since  the Conservatorship started.
There are no credit cards in your name and there are multiple fraud protection alerts  to prevent credit cards being opened in your name.

I stop by your place for something or other.  In the course of our interaction I am in your office.
I notice the credit card statement on the desk.

What is this?

I have the paper in my hand.  It appears to be a Discover Card Statement.  (why wasn't I more discrete?)

You say, "Give me that paper".

I am not giving up the paper.
The situation quickly spins out of control.

I try to leave and you stand in front of the door, preventing my exit.

Yes, I could get out if I really wanted to -- I could push you aside hard, but I would never do that.
What if you fell, my 80 year old father?
I could call the police, but I am not really afraid.  I have my cell phone in my hand.

I see a space, and make a quick dash for the door.  I almost make it out, but you crush my body inside the door as you push it shut.  I yell for help, a futile effort,  into the empty hallway.   My arm and hand are bruised in the process.

I call a friend who comes within  minutes.  He has to physically hold you back so I can escape.

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Why did Discover give you a card when there was a fraud alert to prevent this?
A fraudulent charge to 5 Star Enterprises, for $221.23, another scam, to a fly by night Arizona based scam company, was made 3 days ago.  This is a purchase for NOTHING that is concrete or real, another get rich quick scam.
You can't afford this.

I end up spending months to resolve the issue, ultimately needing the help of the Attorney General of my state.

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I believe the fraudsters will assist the computer illiterate and financially incompetents to sign up for credit cards needed for illegal transactions to take place

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You are too frail now to do anything like the above vignette depicts.

However, dementia can bring out inappropriate behavior, including violence, in previously peaceful people.

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I also learned a lesson on discretion.  I don't tell you or ask you now when I find things that are off.
I just deal with them quietly.

The Golden Girls

There is a channel on the TV (channel 43, TVLand) that mainly  plays old re-runs, many from the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s.  Often, the same series plays consecutive shows back to back over the course of many hours in the day.  This is your favorite channel.  We always turn the channel back to 43 when we leave, if we have turned it to another channel while visiting.  Other stations, like the NEWS, are too traumatic, especially if they play all day (and you have trouble changing the channel on your own).
It is comfortable /familiar to watch the old shows, The Beverly Hillbillies, Andy Griffith, Gilligan's Island.  On Sundays Roseann is on much of the day.

The Golden Girls are on when I arrive at your place today.

"You should have seen Roseann and her husband today.  It was so funny, I laughed so hard", you tell me.

Dorothy and the girls are now sitting at their kitchen table, talking, as they do, on the Golden Girls. We turn our attention toward the TV.

"How do they do that?", you ask.  "Didn't the grandma die years ago?"  You are referring to Estelle Getty, who plays Sophia, Dorothy's mother.

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It is apparent you no longer understand that the TV show is a re-run from the distant past.

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It reminds me of last summer when you didn't seem to understand there was a schedule for the TV shows, that only certain shows were on at certain times.

breakfast at 0230 AM

I arrive at 9:30 AM.  The empty cereal bowl sits on the table near the chair.  "Did you eat breakfast already today?", I ask.
"No", you say.
"You must have.   I didn't leave that there like that last night, when I left at 7:30 PM", I say.

There is no response.

"What time did you get up today?", I ask.

"I got up earlier and then went back to bed again", you tell me.

"Maybe you had breakfast the lst time you got up", I say.

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Look back at the 24 hour camera profile.  It is apparent you went to bed around 10 PM but then got back up again at 0230 AM.  I see you eating the cereal.  You return to bed at 5 AM, and then get up the 2nd time at 0845 AM.

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More word salad

Its Saturday night.  I give you the choice of lasagna or pot pie for dinner.  You choose the pot pie.  Tonight I cook it in the special box for 6 minutes, instead of 5.  I serve it up on a plate, and sit quietly, watching you eat.

"This muffin is really good", you say.

A few minutes later you say, "This sandwich is what?"



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Its Sunday night.  Its very cold today and you have wrapped yourself in 1 blanket.  I point out that there is also a 2nd blanket that you could use, and I place on your lap.  Soon, once again, we are talking as you eat dinner.

"This magazine is warmer than the other one", you say, followed by a gasp!  "Why did I say that?"

I know what you mean. The 2nd blanket has added significant warmth.

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Late night auto-dial on the phone

This is my mistake.  I moved the phone to the right side of the chair a few days ago, thinking it would be easier to reach.  However, you have been confusing it with the TV clicker since then.

Its New Years Eve, after midnight.  Its time for bed.  You get up, turn off the TV, leave the room, and then return. It is apparent you are trying to turn the TV back on.  But, instead, you have the phone in your hand.  I can hear the tones of the different numbers as you push the buttons, randomly.  Unfortunately, because of auto-dial, you call someone:

"Who is this I am calling?", you say.

Its like the adults who speak in non - word tones on Charlie Brown's The Great Pumpkin- we hear the tone of the person on the other end, but we don't know exactly who it is, we can't hear exactly what they are saying.

"I was just playing with some shoe devices here on my table, I didn't call you intentionally....But, you know, I have 2 pair of slippers... " (and from there he goes on into a long explanation about how the slipper doesn't quite fit -- and how he used to sell slippers.  This is an old shoe store merchant talking.  He goes into great detail about the slippers....eventually volunteering to give one of the old slippers to the husband of the person he has called.  The conversation goes on about 5 minutes).

OH NO __ WHO HAS HE CALLED??? I HAVE TO STOP THIS -- GET IN THE CAR AND GET OVER THERE AND GET HIM OFF THE PHONE!!

"How did I call you on this??  ........I've got these dialing deals, I 've got 2 of them on my table here, and I just hit the one, and you answered"

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We get in the car, but  en route realize that you have turned off the lights and are in bed.
We turn around and return home.

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I play it back

I hear the person say "go to bed" and you say " Oh yeah, I am going to bed".  And, with that, after several failed attempts of dialing nobody,you hang it up, turn off the lights, and go to bed.

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Tomorrow we commit to making the old fashioned phone reach the chair.   No more fancy auto-dial-capable-wireless  phone / TV clicker look-alike devices for you.


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Notice the "word salad" - replacing the correct word with another word -  "shoe devices" and "Dialing deals" in reference to the TV clicker and the phone.
Here is a link to other examples  http://www.lbda.org/node/362

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How easy it is to mess up the equilibrium/routine of a person with dementia -- as the dementia experts all know.

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Its 2015

Its New Years Eve tonight, 2015.

"Oh, its new years eve? Then I will have to stay up all night".

.****************************

"What's 15?"

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"Its going to be 2015, twenty fifteen, twenty fifteen", I say

"What's 15?" you ask.

"twenty fifteen, twenty fifteen.". I say.
...............................................................



I think to change the way I say it:

"Two thousand and fifteen", I clarify.


"oh............................................. two thousand and fifteen".  It seems to register.

"You were born in 1931 and now it is two thousand and fifteen".

"How old am I now?"

You are 83 now and soon you will be 84.


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"Is it 7?" you ask.

"7 what? What do you mean by 7?  Its 2015."  (hours later I realize maybe you meant 7 PM?)

Nevermind.