paranoia will destroya

"a woman from the gallery called today" - "she said they have your check", you tell me as I am driving to your place.

As soon as I arrive, I look at the phone number  and message you wrote down.  It doesn't make sense. I look at the phone log.  There is a different, but related phone# on the log .  I look the numbers up on the internet.  Who called? Is this another scam?  is it a local phone # or is it actually from India? (both having 952 exchange)

I go to Century Link's site - I re-learn how to block calls. I print the instructions for myself.  I go back to your place. Armed with my "tools" I again start the process.  Who called?  I follow the CenturyLink instructions.  Whoever called won't be able to call again, because I have blocked them.

An hour later, I am back home, and I realize there is an email and a text, from your new personal care attendant / nurses aide, who has been coming in for a few hours in the morning.  She lost the paycheck I had left, while out shopping.

It suddenly makes sense.  Luckily, I still have the numbers I had jotted on spare pieces of paper.  I dial the number.  It is a lady at the "Galleria".  Yes, she found the check that was lost.  A True good Samaritan, she tracked us down to report she had the lost item, safe and sound.

It was all true.  The story you told me was true. And I :
a) didn't believe you.
b) went to great lengths to protect you (needlessly)

Its 2015

Its New Years Eve tonight, 2015.

"Oh, its new years eve? Then I will have to stay up all night".

.****************************

"What's 15?"

****************************************

"Its going to be 2015, twenty fifteen, twenty fifteen", I say

"What's 15?" you ask.

"twenty fifteen, twenty fifteen.". I say.
...............................................................



I think to change the way I say it:

"Two thousand and fifteen", I clarify.


"oh............................................. two thousand and fifteen".  It seems to register.

"You were born in 1931 and now it is two thousand and fifteen".

"How old am I now?"

You are 83 now and soon you will be 84.


************************

"Is it 7?" you ask.

"7 what? What do you mean by 7?  Its 2015."  (hours later I realize maybe you meant 7 PM?)

Nevermind.

Tip for the press

"I can't understand why the newspaper hasn't had a story on that thing over there, maybe I should call them and give them a tip".

You are referring to the "spaceship" across the street.

http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2014/11/across-street.html

"I don't think you should do that", I say.

tonight you fell

You sit quietly reading, the left leg crossed over the right.  There is a knock at the door.  You stand up. The left foot is very slightly inverted.  You take a step, lifting the left leg and it as though while the left leg is still off the ground you fall to the left.   You are not hurt, but startled, lying on the floor.  Luckily, I am on the other side of the door, immediately available to help.

*****************************************

I call the Walgreens as I am en route, inquiring if they have walkers.  Yes, they have 3 varieties.  I am on my way.  I will be there in a few minutes.

********************************************************

The new walker does add some stability, you demonstrate that it helps. We practice sitting and standing several times.  Eventually, I go home, and leave you to navigate by yourself.  However, I continue to look in on the nanny cam.  The left leg is crossed over the right.  You sit quietly watching TV.  Eventually, the left leg is uncrossed.  You then lean forward, as though you are going to get up. You grab the walker, tip it on end, teetering on its front legs.  You are inspecting it.  The reading light that had been turned off 2 hours ago is turned on again. You then sit back, apparently engrossed in the TV.  This sequence of events occurs several times.

Its after 10 PM.  I call and say "uncross your leg, wait a few minutes to be sure your leg isn't asleep, and then go to bed".  You say, "OK".  We hang up.  What you do next is disappointing.  We hang up, you pick up the paper, and start to read, the left leg crossed over the right, the walker nearby, in waiting.  As  you have done so many times before, you make no attempt to follow my advice.


************************************

You finally went to bed around 2:30 AM on this night.

Christmas morning memories and hopes

It's Christmas morning.  I arrive to start to prepare for the party.  You are up and dressed.

"Where is Doloris?", you ask me, with a concerned tone.

This is a first.  Doloris is your wife, my mother, deceased for almost 10 years.  You have never asked such a question before.  What should I tell you to answer this question. After you once mistakenly thought I was her, months ago, and I corrected you then, I vowed I would never correct you again  on thinking she was around.  If you think I am her, then maybe that is a blessing, a respite from the loneliness and grief of losing a lifetime partner.  But today you don't think I am her.  Instead, you are looking for her, thinking she has been gone a short time.

"She got out of bed this morning, got dressed, and now she is gone.  Do you think she went to the grocery store?" you ask.

"I'm sure she will be here soon", I say.  (Did I say the right thing?  Change the subject now.  Hopefully this will just pass).

But, soon you are again asking for Doloris, concerned that she isn't there.  You ask again again and again, while I am  straightening the room, responding with busyness, serving you coffee, etc, trying to divert the attention to something else.

Finally, we are sitting quietly.  Its Christmas morning and its just me and you.

"where is Doloris?" you again ask me.

I feel the pain of the innocence of your question.  I don't quite know what to say.
Finally, with tenderness and pain in my own being, I say, "Well, Dad, I am happy to hear that Mom is sleeping with you still. ....................  But............ Mom went to heaven, remember?" (translation, in my mind: Mama went to heaven, remember?)

Your expression turns from concern to pain, instantly.  "She did?", you say.

"Yes..............she did".................................
And, for the first time in almost 10 years I feel your pain like I have never felt it before, nevermind my own hope, as I feel my eyes well, and a tear drops down my cheek.

And with that, you suddenly brighten up and start to talk about who is coming to the party today.

**********************************************************

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:10,11

.......................................................................

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Revelations: 21: 4, 5.

Clarity

Look across the street !  They have put up Christmas Lights!


**********************************

What a change this is - after weeks of talking about the flying spaceship ride, a hallucination/ delusion seen in the Christmas lights on the building across the street.

http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2014/11/across-street.html

Today you suddenly again see reality -- its Christmas lights, only Christmas lights.



**********************************************

Note that it is December 23, 2014, exactly 5 years since  December 23, 2009, the beginning of the end.

someplace else

"I was someplace else when you called yesterday", he says to me.  "Where was I?"

Proud

"I am amazed at how you can do that", he exclaims, as I hand him dinner. Its the Friday meal from Meals on Wheels, a cold tuna salad casserole with a side of mixed fruit slices, served up on a plate, instead of the cardboard container in which it arrives. We had gone out to eat on Friday, and on Saturday I brought home made pot pies from my house.  So today, Sunday, its the Friday meal from Meals on Wheels.

"You are really good at what you are doing.......... You are so fast".

"I want you to know that I am proud of you".

It melts my heart to hear those words, even if out of context --- it has been so long.  I will choose to believe that the part of the brain that is talking is proud, not for today, but for many things, including for doing what has been right, even when it involved a struggle.

*****************************************************

"When did you start cooking?", he asks.  "Did you used to cook back before, years ago?"

dark at noon

You slept in until 2 PM today, only getting up at my urging.  At 7:30 PM I present to give you dinner.

"Its almost noon and its still dark outside", you say.


*******************************************

Its December 14.  The days are getting shorter.  December 21 is the shortest day of the year. It will get dark earlier and earlier until December 21.

"was it this dark last year?"

spaceship boat rides

"That boat in the sky is still there", you tell me this morning.

****************************************************

This evening you say "That spaceship across the street is running again".

"Are they still giving rides, do you actually see them giving rides?", I ask.

"Just short ones................

..............This has got to be a good thing for that building.  Money making, and you can see it from street....."

"Do you think this is just for the holidays, or will it be permanent?", I ask.

"I think it is just for the holidays"


**************************************************

http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2014/11/across-street.html

http://seniorfraud.blogspot.com/2014/12/tip-for-press.html

The Suit

Today you put on your good pants, a sport jacket and a tie, appearing fully dressed at 3:45 AM after only 5 hours of sleep.
Last night on your own you took a shower, an amazing feat for someone usually averse to any and all personal hygiene.  In fact, just getting you to change socks, or into a different shirt has been a struggle for months.
Is it because of the Christmas party announcement, for the party you missed yesterday?
Or did you think you are going someplace else today?
Where are you hoping to go today?

It stirs in me both a deep sadness and a deep hope, to watch you wait, and to dress up for the party........waiting.

what are we all really waiting for anyway?  what are you waiting for?
More and more I believe you are waiting to leave this earth - to be again with those you have loved the most, not with me here and now.

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, and redemption of our bodies.". Romans 8: 22-23.

*****************************************************************************

I think one of those talking clocks, like they make for the blind, with announcements of the time every hour, might be a good thing for you.  Why didn't I think of this before?

***************************************************************************

you wait all day, expecting something, looking so nice and clean in your good pants, nice shirt, and tie. What is it you were expecting today? Was it the party you missed yesterday? Was it a dream with expectations, hopes to meet a long lost friend, or perhaps to again see your wife?  12+ hours later, at 4:40 PM, you get up, and leave the room, re-emerging after 5 PM, wearing jeans.

I call en route.  "How was your day today?" I ask.
"Fine.  I am wearing jeans again." you tell me, without any further explanation.
When I arrive I find you in jeans.  
You never let on that you were dressed up all day today, seemingly waiting for something important. 
You never tell me what you were waiting for.

**************************************************************


"Do you ever get bored? ", I ask.

There is a long pause.  

"No", you answer. 

the door is open

Its 10 PM.
The room has been empty for the last hour.
Suddenly, I notice that the door is open.  Its open maybe 6 inches.
What is going on? Why is the door open?  Of course I start to worry. Did you go to get your mail and leave the door propped open like that?

Minutes later I look again and the door is open even wider.  Now I can plainly see that you have propped the step stool in the doorway, to keep it open.  You are back sitting in your chair. The TV is blaring loudly.

Its 10 PM.  The TV is too loud to have the door open at this time of night.  People will notice and complain.  We are trying to blend in, remember??

I call you, making up a story, "I think I left the door open when I left there tonight.  Can you check the door and make sure it  is locked?"

"Yes, I will", you say.  But I am watching you, and after we hang up, for a second you lean forward as if you are going to get out of the chair, but then you focus on the TV, engrossed.  Within a minute, you settle back into the chair.  Not once do you turn your head to even look at the open door.

Now what do I do?  What are you thinking??? Its after 10 PM!  I see the shadow of someone walk past the open door.  You continue to watch TV.

*************************************************************

Its a cold winter night, but not as cold as it has been recently. We put on our coats, instead of our pajamas, and we head to your place. What am I going to say?  Should I tell you there was a complaint about the door being open?  Should I tell you I forgot something?  Should I make up an eleborate story about why I am showing up after 10 PM?

No, I know that 10 PM to you is no different than 10 AM.  Keep it simple.  Get in. Get out. Shut the door.

******************************************************

"Oh -- you have the door open. What's going on? why do you have the door open?" I say.

"I forgot something", as I walk across the room and pretend to pick up the something I forgot.

"Its hot in here", you say.

"But you shouldn't have the door open.  Its late. We can hear your TV out in the hallway", I say.

"So?  I am sitting right here".

"Are you hot?  Let me let in some cooler air.  Lets turn down the heater.  Lets turn down the furnace", as I open the patio door, then turn down the knob on the space heater, and head toward the wall thermometer for the furnace.

"Who asked you?", you say.

"Ok.  Well, then I better be going.  See you. Good night", I say, as I quickly exit the room, closing the door, and locking it.

***********************************************

I barely dare to look and see if you opened it again.  Its potentially going to be a sleepless night.

2 pair of jeans

"I put on 2 pair of jeans this morning", you say, "and its getting hot".  "I needed to take off one of these pairs of jeans, its getting too hot".

I see you sitting on the chair, wearing a pair of jeans, the 2nd pair nearby on the bed, presumably just removed.

"Why did I do that?", you said.  "That was kind of a crazy thing to do"